Friday, 3 June 2011
In an attempt to start writing again, here is my blog. If you like it sign up and tell all your friends. If you don't like it, don't sign up and don't go around telling everyone how crap it is. Unless you like it but would rather not sign up until you have seen a few pages. I mean, not everyone likes olives the first time they have them, do they.
Real lives, real people
This is what happened to me in Sainsbury's today.
Checkout Man: Need any bags?
Me: No, I'm fine.
Checkout Man: Help packing?
Me: Am good, thanks?
Checkout Man: I can get someone to help you. I've got a buzzer. I can press it and get help.
Me: I'll be fine. Thanks, though. (smiles)
Checkout Man: Of course, my mate has a Pak Choi now.
Checkout Man: Pak Choi.
Me: A Pak Choi?
Checkout Man: Pak Choi. Miniature husky. I can't remember its name. It'll come back to me.
Checkout Man: You won't have seen one. They're new. It's a totally new breed of dog. The Pak Choi. They're designed for people who live in flats...
Checkout Man: ... on account of their size. They're tiny. He reckons when it is fully grown he will be able to fit it in a margarine tub. That's handy, isn't it?
Checkout Man: You couldn't fit a doberman in a margarine tub.
Checkout Man: Or a Affenpinscher
Me: A ...
Checkout Man: Affenpinscher. A breed is characterized by its monkey-ish expression.
He has trouble scanning a red cabbage and frowns.
Affenpinschers show great loyalty and affectionate toward their masters and friends.
They require firm but loving guidance, for they can be obstinate.
If there are visitors who are not known by the Affenpinscher, it may refuse to let them in unless there is plenty of assurance.
So they make good guard dogs. Unlike the Pak Choi.
Me: You know a lot about dogs.
Checkout Man: I was thinking of getting one. But they don't allow pets in the flats where I live.
Me: That is very sad.
Checkout Man: But on the upside it is very secure. I've got a buzzer. I can press it and get help.
Me: No, I'm fine.
Checkout Man: No, I mean in the flats. I've got a buzzer. I can press it and get help.
But if you press and say 'I've run out of Pot Noodle' they can get very shirty.
Not the first time. But eventually. Eventually they get very shirty. Do you actually like goat's cheese?
Checkout Man: I think it smells like goats. I couldn't eat anything that smelt like a goat. Or a guinea pig. I think they were invented by the Japanese.
Me: Guinea pigs?
Checkout Man: Pak Choi. I think they were invented in Japan. Over 90 per cent of the population lives in flats. It is a very crowded country, Japan. The Japanese race has to have special people with gloves on to get them into their flats. Pack them in. They have very little legs.
Me: They what??
Checkout Man: Tiny legs. Miniature. They're like matchsticks. And they're very hairy. The hairs get everywhere.
Me: Oh.... You mean the Pak Choi...
Checkout Man: (Laughing) Did you think I meant the Japanese? (Laughs again). No, the Japanese race is characterised by its smoothness. That and its ability to invent things that are really small. Like the Walkman. Did you know the first Walkman was the size of a washing machine? And cost over 18 thousand pounds? And could only play one song, 'Le Cœur trop tendre' by Nana Myskouri?
Me: No. I didn't know that.
Checkout Man: It's like that film. You know. Where he invents this ray gun that makes everything tiny. And he comes in and says 'Honey I've shrunk the kids.' What was it called?
Me: Honey I've Shrunk the Kids.
Checkout Man: That's it. 'Honey, I've gone and shrunk those pesky kids,' he says. But what was the name of the movie?
Me: Honey I've Shrunk the Kids
Checkout Man: I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids. The Incredible shrinking children. The Man that Shrank His Family.
Me: Can I have some bags?
Checkout Man: They Came from Outer Space... and they were dead small. No. It's gone. It'll come back to me. BERNARD!
Me: (Jumping) Wha..?
Checkout Man: Bernard. Bernard. The name of the Pak Choi. I said it would come back to me. Have you got a Nectar card?
Checkout Man: Of course in a hundred years they will have dogs that are so small you will only be able to see them under a microscope. Imagine that. You could fit over two thousand of them in a margarine tub. Microscopic dogs. £187.93. Are you collecting schools vouchers?
Checkout Man: Sorry. We don't do them anymore. And because they are bred from Huskies, their legs are really strong. So if the lift breaks they are good for the stairs. Cashback?
Me: No. Thank you.
Checkout Man: Micro-Mutts. They could be trained to do non-invasive surgery in the human body. Or to go on undercover reconnaissance missions in enemy territory. Nano-poodles. I'm glad I'll be dead by then. It sounds horrific. Have a good weekend now!
Me: Thank you.
Checkout Man: Mind the......!
(I run over a little old lady in a white cardigan in my desperation to escape)
Checkout Man: ... Little old lady in the white cardigan. Google them. Pak Choi. You can't buy them online. But it will tell you the address of a reputable breeder! Have a good weekend! Google them!
When I got home....
I did. I Googled them. Alaskan Klee Kai. Not Pak Choi. Alaskan Klee Kai. And you CAN buy them online. I just ordered three.
Have a good weekend.